She walks down the hall of her workplace. Today was her first day back after her devastating tragedy. Her mind races with questions. She wonders how she will face these people again? Can she really hold it together for an entire work day? And then again, day after day after day. How can she tell people that she really needs normal again...but she has no idea how to get there?
A woman walks up to her registration counter at the hospital with a simple order from her doctor. Just the sight of this woman makes her heart beat faster with anxiety. As she looks down at the paper...a single tear falls. As she begins asking the woman questions to verify her current address and such...the tears will.not.stop. The expectant mother goes along her way, very confused by a strangers tears.
And there this girl sits at her desk...defeated. God sees her. And He says to Himself, "That's one."
She remembers a few weeks back when it was her that was coming in for a sonogram. She also remembers the day of her last one. She knew what the outcome would be before she ever went in. 'Complications in pregnancy' had never ended well for her. The sonogram technician was silent. In fact, the air in the room was heavy with silence. Everyone knew, but no one would speak. A baby at sixteen weeks should be moving and active. He was not. His heart should be visibly beating. It was not. His measurable size should coincide with his gestational age. It did not.
At the suggestion of her occupational health nurse, she leaves work early that day. She can't bear to keep seeing these expectant mothers. She hates that she can't control her emotions. She does not want to feel bitter towards these women in their happiest hour, so she just removes herself from it all together.
She unwillingly attends the parties on that Christmas day. It was her first Christmas as a newlywed and as a mother. A grieving, broken, childless mother. She had delivered and held her son in her bathroom just five days before Christmas that year. Why had he stopped growing at 11 weeks? How would she ever forget what he looked like? How could she? As one of the only three people that saw him that night...how could she dare forget her son?
She quietly and without faking joy, opens gifts on that Christmas day...defeated. God sees her. He says to Himself, "That's two."
She attends her favorite morning women's bible study. It's full of women she loves. She trusts. She clings to. They are reading a book together that has nothing to do with miscarriage or mourning. But that is all she can think of. It seems to consume every part of her day. She wants to speak but she is sure they are tired of listening. She longs for fervent prayer from these women of faith but she does not ask.
She went hoping to be uplifted and by her choice she left...defeated. God sees her. And He says to Himself, "That's three."
Defeat came to her in many different forms. It came without her realization some days. Other times defeated mocked her and dared slap her in the face. God was there for each one. He saw. And He knew how many times she would accept defeat before she would allow Him to help her overcome it. He counted. Each time a little more excited for her day to come. She was not inviting Him to overcome her defeated spirit yet...but He knew it was coming. It was close!
I know much about that woman...because I am her. I lived many years IN defeat. I didn't ask for God's solutions...because I had come to know this solemn place in which I spent my days. It seemed too hard to climb out of It. Becoming healthy seemed too far away for me to grasp. So I stayed. IN DEFEAT!
But that day I described. That day when I invited God to my circumstance. He said, "THAT'S IT! That was the last time my child. Stand up against your enemy. You will no longer take his position as the defeated. Stand up...I've been waiting and I'm ready to fight with you!" That day came. That day changed my faith.
Now, I'm the one mocking the enemy with defeat. "No weapon forged against you will prevail..." Isaiah 54:17 Forged-to give form or shape to, especially by means of careful effort. Prevail-to be greater in strength; triumph. Let's re-write that verse with those two key words defined.
"No weapon formed against against you by means of careful effort will triumph."
On the days you feel weak. On the days you want to give up. On the days your fight is failing. Remind the enemy, out loud, of this verse. Quote it often. Scream it if you need to. Just let it be known that he does not win.
Pursue defeat. Hunt the enemy down in his scheme. Learn to fight him with the truth. he's no match for our Sword. he knows all about what it contains...and he trembles when you gain strength from it. I read a quote a couple weeks ago that stated my point exactly. It is my new favorite!!
"If the enemy knew what I would be after the storm, he would have left me alone."
(Borrowed from Chrystal Evans Hurst's Facebook page. She is the daughter of Pastor Tony Evans :-) )