My Journey through 7 Pregnancies-Part 2

I have been slightly hesitating to write this post...because this is probably the hardest in my journey. I am unsure of how this will be received, but please know that I am not looking for attention. I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking to do the will and the works of my Father. I am looking to help in any way...in the healing and restoration of a wounded heart.

I told you about my first miscarriage in 2001. Now we are onto pregnancy number two. We were not told to wait to conceive again, so we decided to try again quickly after our loss. It took no time at all until that pregnancy test read positive again. Again...we called the doctor right away. Tests were done to confirm. Appointments were made. Sonograms scheduled. We were slightly hesitant to fall head over heals again. As I said before, our innocence that all would be well with pregnancies, was tainted. We had been hurt. We had looked upon with sorrow. We had been shattered. Now this was our chance to gain some hope.

The first sonogram went well. The blessed heartbeat. It was there, visable to our eyes. The little gray blob that was our baby...we had proof. Some relief swept over us. We started to tell some family. As more time passed, we began to spread the news more and more. We began to have more hope, more excitement...and to fall more in love with this baby God had blessed us with.

One day, at 16weeks of pregnacy...our fear came true. Complications. We rushed to the doctor, who sent us right to the hospital to have a sonogram. They were very busy that day. But they fit us in. The sonogram technician was sweet. She did the test, and quietly left the room. Soon, we were taken to a room and my doctor came to see what the sonogram technician had seen. Again, not much was spoken. I returned to my clothes, and waited alone...but with my husband. Our wonderful, born-again doctor entered to tell us her news. They could find no heartbeat. Innocence stolen! When measuring the baby, it measured only 11 weeks. For almost 5 weeks, the baby had ceased to live and grow. I was supposed to be 'past' that time of worry. The first trimester was over...or so I thought. As you can imagine...I burst into tears. My husband stayed strong. Not letting much emotion take over him. Just purely concerned about his broken wife.

At this time I worked in the hospital I was now sitting in. I was told that I would have to have a D & C procedure done. Inside, I was dreading this! It made it all final. I was going to be exposed to the people that I worked with daily. I was going to have to go through many more sorrowful looks...and awkward silences. "God, if this was the fate of my baby...why did it have to last this long? Now, I have a whole other awkwardness that I must face. Isn't there another way?" Those are the words that ran through my head.

So, we tried our best to resume our life as normal until the procedure was to happen. We had planned to have company over for a Christmas dinner that night. We ate. We exchanged gifts. We tried to put on the face that we weren't completely shattered. While the guys went outside for a few minutes...I started to realize that something was going very wrong. I was having major cramping in my stomach. (Having never felt these before...I had no idea what was going on.) I felt some major pressure...and knew that if I stood up...some sort of fluid was going to rush out. (Sorry about the details. But it is all part of the process.)

It didn't feel like I was about to pee myself...but I was scared about what was happening. This was not part of the plan. As I ran to the bathroom...there it all was. Clear fluid. I changed my clothes and went back out to the living room. In walked more company...and soon the feeling came back. I sat very uncomfortably...not wanting to get up while they were there. Not wanting to ask them to leave. They must have sensed my discomfort...and left shortly after they had arrived. I told Eric what was happening...and I ran to the bathroom again. This time...it was not clear. Deep red surrounded me. I had no control over it. Just as suddenly as it had begun...it stopped. In my heart I knew what had made it stop. I knew that it must be removed...and I could not bring myself to do it.

Now, on the phone with my doctor, we explained what had happened. Then she said what I knew she would. I had to know what caused it to stop. The next moments in my life...I thought would haunt me forever. I was now holding a tiny baby in my hand. Tears errupted as I told my doctor what I had found. A lifeless body. A body that fit in the palm of my hand. Who's arms and legs were like spaghetti. She expressed her sorrow. She prayed. And she told me to bring myself and my baby to the ER right away. What now? What should I put baby in? I couldn't hold it. I didn't want anyone else to see it.

I arrived at the hostpital and went through more traumatic events. Finally, after a modified surgercial procedure, a very painful IV, and much cleaning up...I found myself shaking beyond normal. I was freezing, and couldn't stop involuntarily shaking. The doctor said that my body was going through shock from all that had just happened, and the amount of blood that I had lost. I soon found myself in a new hospital room, with my husband by my side. Waiting to do or get whatever I needed. Everytime I woke up, he was there asking if I needed anything. He was my rock. He was my comfort. Still strong.

The next few months were awful. So many people had to be told. So many uncomfortable moments that I wanted to be over. My husband who was strong for me when I needed it...eventually broke down. It was God's timing that I was in a place that I could be his strength. I could help him through his anger for another baby lost.

The events of that night haunted me until...someone shed God's light on it. I told her about seeing my baby...and how much I wanted to forget it. Her response..."That is awesome! God allowed you to hold your baby boy!" Isaiah Ethan was his name, born December 20th, 2001. And I no longer have to see him through tears of regret.

Our next pregnancy would come YEARS later. We had to wait one year to try to conceive again because of the type of miscarriage I had experienced. There was a chance that a cancerous tumor would form in either my lungs or brain. And for a year I had to get blood tests done to make sure I was not cancerous. The test, was the same test they do to check for pregnancy. More awkward conversations. As each time, a different person thought that I was checking for pregnancy. They were hopeful...and I was still hurting.

So many thoughts went through my head. Was this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why did God allow a baby to be taken away from the only two people that had already learned to love him? But what I will never forget was God's promise to me! It came from the voice of a friend. And it was the number one thing that brought me through the next few years of my life. "God told me that you will have a baby. That you will carry it through to full-term."

Relief. Now, I know it will happen. I just have to wait for the right time. God was with me. God took care of me. God was watching over my two babies, in my place. What more could I ask for them?

God is good. I don't want anyone to doubt that! I have proof that God fulfilled His promise to me. I have stories to tell. And I have prayers that I long to write for women that are in a place of sorrow right now. Don't blame the only One that longs to heal your shattered heart. He is ready and waiting for you to call on Him. He never meant for you to try to handle it on your own. He loves you...and He will make you whole again. He will take what the enemy meant for evil...and He will restore it to work into His purpose for your life. Promise!

I'm workin' on it

So...I have been working on a new post in my Journey thru Prego series. And it is taking me a long time. I only have tidbits of time here and there with 4 small kids ya know. =) Not complainin...just sayin. Haha! So, I decided that I would type out a quick post and show you some pictures that I took of my kids recently. It has been awhile since I posted any pictures.

 Ariel...my little dirt princess. She is always a mess...and I wouldn't change it most days. Haha!

 Aiden...stopped for a quick minute to pose...then was off and crawling away. Yep...he is 6 and enjoys crawling. Lol! He was a bear on this particular day...and his cousin was the hunter.

 His shirt is dirty, his hat is girly...and yet I love that handsome little face. Plus...I love grass shots!

This is a picture of some daffodils that my kids picked for me last week. Speaking of flowers. I had a FedEx guy come to the door today with a box from 1-800-FLOWERS. He was looking for the neighbor. =(

Titus, driving the Kubota. Yes I knew his face was filthy..but the smile makes up for it. =)

Titus, age 2 1/2, wearing Big Papa's hat while Daddy was helping put on a new roof.

My son Levi...at the age of 8 months. Love those cheeks! =)

Oh April!

I am not sure what this month of April has done to me...but I am sorry to say it has not done good things for my blog. If the enemy can't keep you from ever knowing Christ...he will keep you busy. I have been so busy with things I can't even list...because I honestly can't remember. It has mostly been non-sense. That is how I know...I need to start fighting for my passion to write. I haven't lost it...just haven't been making time for it.

I pray that May will be a much better time for me. Less rain. More beautiful days. Happier attitudes. And more God-filled days of writing!!

I am currently preparing for a women's retreat that our church is offering in a few weeks. I am giving a testimony to God's faithfulness and goodness to me. I am anxious...in a good way...to speak and sing to the women that God directs. If any of you are feeling called to come and hear of God's protection over his daughter (that would be me) I would love to give you the details. Email me...comment...call. I know that God is going to heal some people of some emotional brokenness that day. If you think it may be you...it will be worth your effort to come....because the women of the Salt Church have been praying for you! =)

One Day Women's Conference
Saturday, May 14th 10am-4pm
Refreshments, catered lunch, fellowship, worship, laughter, and probably tears (from me for sure...Haha!)...all provided at no cost to you!
Come to the Salt Church and revive your walk with God!

Love...Vanes

A name of power!

So...I have to take a break in my prego journey for this post. I was at church this past Thursday night for a special speaker. During worship we were singing...and as soon as I said the name 'Jesus' my mind raced with all of the things that He is to me. As soon as I sat down I started to write them all down. This is my list...and I would love for you all to add to it. Tell me what He is to you!

Power.
Grace.
Forgiveness.
Self-less.
Mercy.
Righteous.
Perfect.
Healer.
Sacrifice.
Unconditional love.
Truth.
Creator.
King.
Alpha.
Omega.
Intoxicating.
Sweet.
Meek.
Gentle.
Spirit.
Mindful.
Considerate.
Gentleman.
Life.
Consistent.
Warrior.
Strength.
Living.
Worship.
Trinity.
Active.
Intelligent.
All-knowing.
All-powerful.
Soverign.
Savior.
Lord.
Father.
Friend.
Glorious.
Faithful.
Author.
Prayer.
Conversation.
Compassion.
Answer.
Vision.

What thoughts run through your mind about Jesus? What does that name of power mean to you?
 I pray that it means Savior...to you. I pray that it means Lord over your life. If it doesn't...I write this to reach out to you. I pray that you will seek Him. I pray that you will search for Him, and follow His voice. If you want to know how to do this...I would absolutely be delighted to pray for you. He has given me some of those traits that I listed. One of them...warrior. I am a warrior of prayer. And I love....love....LOVE to use the gifts that God has entrusted me with.

You can not possibly comprehend unconditional love if you don't believe in the name of Jesus. And it is worth fighting for! The enemy says wait. The enemy says you aren't good enough. The enemy says you don't fit in. The enemy says you are unworthy, unusable.

But I serve a God that sees me through the blood of His son....Jesus. I serve a God that knows that He doesn't create anyone unworthy or unusable for His Kingdom. Come as you are...and see the power of the name of Jesus. I love you, because God created you!

My Journey Through 7 Pregnancies-Part One

Okay...so this is post one of...I am not sure how many. How is that for details? Haha! I know that God wants me to share these stories...but I am wordy. (Shocker!) And I am not sure anyone can handle that many words in just one day. So, keep coming back if you are touched by it. If you know someone else who has gone through similar pain...and they are struggling...send them this way. I have them in mind while I am writing this. God longs for healing. God longs for restored dreams. God longs for you all to find Him forever faithful. God longs for peace in your circumstance.

So, here goes....
Just a few short months after my husband and I eloped on April 18th, 2001 (Yes...our 10th anniversary is TODAY)...we decided to try to have a baby. We conceived very quickly after making our decision. As soon as the positive test came back...we called our doctor. Her secretary said a postive test is always a positive...so we started to share our news. Some of the reactions of our friends and family were priceless. Jumping up and down and screaming. Some...not so much. =/

If my memory is correct...we found out in the beginning of the week that I was pregnant...and by the end I had miscarried. It was too short of a time span to have any testing done to try to figure out the why. And they don't do much until you have lost 3 babies. =( For those people that have never experienced a loss like this...you are blessed. What you may not understand is that from the moment we found out we were going to have a baby...we had already gotten excited. When the life was gone...it felt as though God 'took' the baby from the only two people that had already learned to love him/her. You don't have to understand it...but believe it. Love is instant when it comes to your child. It doesn't take nine months. It takes two little pink lines on a pregnancy test.

Crushed. I was absolutely crushed. So many emotions. All of those people I had told of our good news...and news like that travels FAST...now I had to tell them otherwise. I hated every second of that. I was shocked at how many insensitive people didn't understand that I was a mother in grief. They didn't see me as a mother because I had never held my baby. I think that most people just assume that when they get pregnant...everything will just be fine. Well...that innocent thought pattern was tainted for me. I knew otherwise...and I was about to let it rule me.

So that is part one in my journey. It has to get much worse to get better. I don't even agree with myself in how I used to feel towards my losses. It is just the honesty of what I was dealing with. You see, God knew that I would be able to reach out to people through my writing. He knew that He could use me to aid in the healing of others. So I know that I went through a lot of pain...to show that He is victorious. If this post touches you because of a disappointment you have faced...or are facing...I would love to pray for you. It doesn't have to be about children. Our innocence can be tainted by circumstance in anything. Bitterness and anger can set in. Those are not of God...and they need to be put aside. For we are new creations in Christ. He died for our healing. Take advantage of His suffering for your situation. He did it for YOU my dear friend!

Comment below or give me your email address...and I would love to be a link to your process.

Coming soon!

God is taking me down a road that I haven't visited for a while. It is a bit scary...but I trust Him. How could I not? I was reading yesterday about a woman's journey with infertility. I know...I know. You can see the pictures of my four children. Yes...I gave birth to them all. (I won't go into those details. Lol!) What you don't see is the heartache that came before them.

I have a LOT going on today. Poop in the tub. Vomitting mucus on the beds. Fevers. Medicine. Disappointment. Sadness. So, I will be back to tell you more. Just wanted to assure you that I am still here...hearing from God...and writing about it. I will share it as soon as I can. It could help the road to healing for someone that crosses this path.

Say a prayer for this household if you think of it. We could use it. =) Thanks!

It has been too long

Hey all. I am glad to be back. We had some major issues with our computer and had to get it fixed, which was not cheap. But...as I said, I am so glad to be back. I have missed writing! I didn't want to wait any longer...but I do have to make it kind of quick. I have a little boy who had a fever and was throwing up in the middle of the night. I think that my kids got together last night and mapped out a plan of who was going to wake up every 30 minutes. With four of them...they kept me going until 4am. So, if I don't make much sense...please forgive me. =) Pray that they all take a nap at the same time today...so that I can.
God has been helping me to reveal the plots of satan lately. How about you? If you are going through trials...are you seeing the deceiver? Are you learning to fight him off? Are you gaining knowledge on how he has been getting to you...so that you can beat him at his game?

 I pray that you are. I pray that you aren't just taking it...like that is how it has to be. I pray that you are getting stronger everyday. I pray that you are relying on God for your strength. I pray that you are gaining wisdom on how to be a more effective faith-filled child of the King.

On another note...I am really excited for God to give me the opportunity to sing my newest song..."Stronger". I get choked up each time I sing it to Him...because I know what He brought me through. I can't wait to give my testimony of God's constant protection over my life.

Pray that God will work out the details for our church's first women's retreat. I know it is going to be powerful. I am so thankful that I get to be a small part of it. If anyone is interested in details on the retreat....you are all welcome to come. God has already sparked an excitement in those of us that are planning it. I feel anxious...in a good way...because I can't wait for God to work in the lives of the Godly women I am surrounded by.