Suggest Hope

Good morning! And what a beautiful morning it is here in northwestern Pennsylvania! It's been a little chilly lately, but the sun is shining and it is already warming up. Don't get me wrong. I am a LOVER of everything fall! The temperature. The smell. The activities. The food. The pumpkin-a-latte loveliness. But...........it. is. JULY! *Rant over...for now*

Most of the year our church has a Saturday night service as well as Sunday morning. My husband is the Worship Pastor and I am also a member of the worship team...which means that we get to attend both services! :-) The message a while back on a  Saturday night, spoke a couple of really power-filled things straight to my heart...and I can't wait to share one of them with you today!! I've literally typed this post three times. Once on my phone. Don't get me started on how annoying that was! Once on my iPad...almost as equally annoying. And once on my computer. Fourth time is a charm? We shall see......

First, this is my challenge to you. Get your Bible out. *Vanesa taps fingers on table and hums Jeapordy theme song while she waits for you get your Bible* No matter how annoyed or impatient you are at my request it will help my post make sense!! Pretty please...*insert puppy dog eyes*

Whew...now open to Acts 27 and read verses 9-44!! The reason I say use your own Bible...is because that way you can underline the verses that stick out at you. You can also write beside them what God speaks to you today. It is for your benefit at a later date when you are struggling. The words underlined and written will stand out...and you will remember how God used them for your good! =)

For those of you honestly too busy, rushed, or ahem...lazy to get your Bible...here you go...

Acts 27: "⁹ Much time had been lost, and sailing had already become dangerous because by now it was after the Day of Atonement. So Paul warned them, ¹⁰ “Men, I can see that our voyage is going to be disastrous and bring great loss to ship and cargo, and to our own lives also.” ¹¹ But the centurion, instead of listening to what Paul said, followed the advice of the pilot and of the owner of the ship. ¹² Since the harbor was unsuitable to winter in, the majority decided that we should sail on, hoping to reach Phoenix and winter there. This was a harbor in Crete, facing both southwest and northwest.

The Storm

¹³ When a gentle south wind began to blow, they saw their opportunity; so they weighed anchor and sailed along the shore of Crete. ¹⁴ Before very long, a wind of hurricane force, called the Northeaster, swept down from the island. ¹⁵ The ship was caught by the storm and could not head into the wind; so we gave way to it and were driven along. ¹⁶ As we passed to the lee of a small island called Cauda, we were hardly able to make the lifeboat secure, ¹⁷ so the men hoisted it aboard. Then they passed ropes under the ship itself to hold it together. Because they were afraid they would run aground on the sandbars of Syrtis, they lowered the sea anchor^[b] and let the ship be driven along. ¹⁸ We took such a violent battering from the storm that the next day they began to throw the cargo overboard. ¹⁹ On the third day, they threw the ship’s tackle overboard with their own hands. ²⁰ When neither sun nor stars appeared for many days and the storm continued raging, we finally gave up all hope of being saved.
²¹ After they had gone a long time without food, Paul stood up before them and said: “Men, you should have taken my advice not to sail from Crete; then you would have spared yourselves this damage and loss. ²² But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed. ²³ Last night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me ²⁴ and said, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you.’ ²⁵ So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me. ²⁶ Nevertheless, we must run aground on some island.

The Shipwreck

²⁷ On the fourteenth night we were still being driven across the Adriatic^[c] Sea, when about midnight the sailors sensed they were approaching land. ²⁸ They took soundings and found that the water was a hundred and twenty feet^[d] deep. A short time later they took soundings again and found it was ninety feet^[e] deep. ²⁹ Fearing that we would be dashed against the rocks, they dropped four anchors from the stern and prayed for daylight. ³⁰ In an attempt to escape from the ship, the sailors let the lifeboat down into the sea, pretending they were going to lower some anchors from the bow. ³¹ Then Paul said to the centurion and the soldiers, “Unless these men stay with the ship, you cannot be saved.” ³² So the soldiers cut the ropes that held the lifeboat and let it drift away.
³³ Just before dawn Paul urged them all to eat. “For the last fourteen days,” he said, “you have been in constant suspense and have gone without food—you haven’t eaten anything. ³⁴ Now I urge you to take some food. You need it to survive. Not one of you will lose a single hair from his head.” ³⁵ After he said this, he took some bread and gave thanks to God in front of them all. Then he broke it and began to eat. ³⁶ They were all encouraged and ate some food themselves. ³⁷ Altogether there were 276 of us on board. ³⁸ When they had eaten as much as they wanted, they lightened the ship by throwing the grain into the sea.
³⁹ When daylight came, they did not recognize the land, but they saw a bay with a sandy beach, where they decided to run the ship aground if they could. ⁴⁰ Cutting loose the anchors, they left them in the sea and at the same time untied the ropes that held the rudders. Then they hoisted the foresail to the wind and made for the beach. ⁴¹ But the ship struck a sandbar and ran aground. The bow stuck fast and would not move, and the stern was broken to pieces by the pounding of the surf.
⁴² The soldiers planned to kill the prisoners to prevent any of them from swimming away and escaping. ⁴³ But the centurion wanted to spare Paul’s life and kept them from carrying out their plan. He ordered those who could swim to jump overboard first and get to land. ⁴⁴ The rest were to get there on planks or on other pieces of the ship. In this way everyone reached land safely."




I highlighted and underlined the verses that I wanted to bring your attention to. The men on the ship had given up hope. They did not see any way out of this situation they found themselves in. So what did Paul do. He suggested hope. He was the first to give them a thought of life over the death they were sure they were facing.

Let's think about this first suggestion of hope. Had they not believed...what would the outcome have been? Had Paul, being a prisoner of these men, been too terrified to speak up...oh how different this story would be. But Paul boldly spoke. And the soldiers hesitantly listened.

Think back on the course of your life for a moment. Has anyone ever been that first suggestion of hope to you? Whether you believed it at first or not...can you recognize that they boldly spoke what neither of you could actually see? Let me give you two of my life examples.



MY first suggestion of hope came after my second pregnancy, which just like my first, ended in a disappointing miscarriage. The difference though, was that I had had a lot more time to fall in love with baby #2. I was 16 weeks along when my hopeful attitude slapped me in face and into another state of shock, disbelief and soon to be depression. I held him. Born in my bathroom on December 20th of 2001, Isaiah Ethan fit into the palm of my hand. His arms and legs were like spaghetti. His tiny lifeless body I was sure would haunt me forever. 

Months went by. I was still unable to think of the events of that traumatic night with out shedding tears. One day I was with a couple of friends at their yard sale. Vicki walked up to me and spoke straight to where I was broken. She said that she was praying for me and God told her that I would have a child. I would carry the child to full term...and the baby would be healthy.

THAT, was my suggestion of hope. I no longer had to wonder. I no longer had to doubt. I just had to wait for God to bless me with this child I had now been promised. It was one month shy of 3 years after that conversation that God fulfilled that promise to me. My healthy baby boy was born in May of 2005...and all I had to do was believe.



MY second suggestion of hope came after I had my fourth child. (I only KNEW of the promise of one...but out of my seven pregnancies...I have gained four AWESOME kids...and three are in Heaven awaiting our arrival!!) After I had my final baby I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression (PPD). It made absolutely no sense in the natural. Baby #4, Levi, was a very happy baby. The transition to bring him home was super smooth. And it was fall...my favorite season! BUT, in the supernatural it made complete sense. Knowing what I know now....it was an absolutely VITAL part of molding me to the woman I am today.

So, shortly after my diagnosis, God began telling me to talk to specific women. He would say, "Tell her what you are going through, she has something for you." So I did. Six women. Each with their own specific truth for me. Each one, one step in my road to healing. One of them though...was my suggestion of hope.

Bekah sat with me in my living room..while my kids raced around...and listened gently and softly spoke when appropriate. I told her all of it..."I feel like a horrible mother, I've had thoughts of hurting myself, I scream at these children that I prayed for, I flip out, I stay silent for days, I distance myself from everyone I love"...and what is her response?

"I see so much hope for you."

Confusion set in. I didn't see it. If I didn't know and love her...I would say that it was a cruel joke. So she went on to explain. "When you come out of this victorious...you are going to have a powerful ministry that will be set on fire. You will reach out to women who are going through similar circumstances and you will be their voice of hope. God will use you in a mighty way!"

I didn't feel it. I didn't see it. But I CHOSE to believe it. I had to. My alternative...was death. A few weeks later the opportunity would present itself. Death knocked at my depressed heart...and I fought for my life. Had I NOT spoken to those women...what would my outcome have been when the enemy whispered for me to take my own life? If I had not chosen to believe in the hope I neither felt nor saw....where would I be today?



Who has been that voice of hope for you? Have you ever told them? Maybe it is exactly what they need to hear today. Write it down. Mail it to them. Text them. Call. Email....whatever it takes. Let them know the impact that their suggestion of hope had on you. And be willing to suggest hope to the hurting people you know/see. They might be simple words to you....but to the searching heart....it is LIFE!

My Journey Revealed

As I told you in Part Six of this ‘Journey Through Pregnancies’ series…I was really excited to be able to write this post. God gave it to me a few weeks ago…and I have been itching to share it ever since. You too could write a post just like this one. Feel free to write it and send it to me. (I would actually really really love that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many exclamations will it take for someone to actually do what I have asked. I will let you know…=) ))

Here is my question…What would like to hear your Father in Heaven say to you when you get there?
Here is my response…

“Welcome my dear daughter…you have done well for my Kingdom. Come inside and meet the people who’s lives you changed for eternity. Dine with them. Reminisce with them. Hear their story from glory to glory. But first…you have three beautiful children that are anxious to meet you. They are so excited to have you here. They have been a delight to Me…and now they are yours to love as well. Two sons and a daughter…perfect in every way. I revealed their gender to you while you were still on earth, when your son, Aiden, was young. That was for your encouragement. That was part of Aiden’s testimony. I began a mighty work in him at a young age.

I am overjoyed to have you here. While you were on earth, I gave you a voice to sing, and you blessed My Name with it. Now you must come sing with my choir of angels. You will fit right in. I also gave you a passion for writing and you used it for My Glory. The writings I whispered to you will have everlasting effects. You will meet each person who made a decision. A commitment. And renewed their spark for My Presence to become more real to them through Our writing. Writing leaves behind proof. Writing leaves behind promises. Writing leaves behind a legacy never to be repeated. You fulfilled your purpose to encourage others with Words of Life. You have made Me a proud Father.

I have seen you with your children on earth. I have seen their beginning and their end…and I am not at all disappointed. You taught them well. You led by example. You were willing to admit your shortcomings and change them. You were a mother like Jesus’. Compassionate and nourturing. Loving and forgiving. Meek and strong. Your children serve me well because I entrusted them to a family who sought Me for wisdom. They will all be here to join you before you know it.

Welcome to your new Home beloved! Come worship with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Come run and dance with your children. Come laugh with your grandpa. Come bathe yourself in My Presence. Today is the first day of your eternity with Me. You will never again find yourself in need or want of anything. You accepted my Son, and I freely accept you. Run to me and hug me tight. I love the way you hug! After all…I designed it.=) I loved the hell out you (literally) and Heaven welcomes you!”

What would your response look like? I would love to see it. Read it. Hear it. Please let me rejoice with you for how fearfully and wonderfully God designed you. You are unique. Unlike any other in history or yet to come. Showing God off to believers who understand is an encouragement. To see people used exactly as they were created to be…is amazing. If you find yourself jealous of anyone…remember who you are. A follower of Christ. Deserving of death…but given Life Eternally. Praise Him for who you are! That is step one to walking in His calling for you!! I long to pray for you.
Love ya…mean it! ;)

My Journey Through 7 Pregnancies-Part Six

Oh man…

I

am

excited.

This ‘series’ of writings has been long and difficult at times for me. But God gave me the post that will end it all on a happy note. I am so excited to write that one…but first I must press on to finish what I started. So part six, let’s begin!

Again, if you are doing the math, you know that the last two pregnancies both have happy endings. Still, they are part of who I am as a mother. As a daughter of the King. As a woman of faith. As a testimony of God’s goodness. And as proof that God hears my cries, and is a genuine God of love. =)

Are you seeing a common trend here? It is not the ‘getting pregnant’ that we struggle with. It is staying that way. I remember praying when we found out about this pregnancy…for the baby to just hang in there. From the time we found out…until I passed the dreaded 16 week mark…I just wanted the baby to hold on for it’s life. Almost like he/she was refusing to be aborted. Remind me to tell you about why that statement is funny later. Lol!

As with the past few pregnancies. We were hesitant to tell many people. When our brand new church was growing and welcoming more and more people, it was only right for those of us at the core to help someone in need. So…as a family of four (no one knew it was soon enough to be five)…we offered to watch two children for a mother in need. She was in trouble with the law in another state…and had to go there for an undesignated amount of time. She was hoping to be gone for only one month…but was very unclear. Her daughter was 4 years old, and her son was 9 months. My son Aiden at that time had just turned 3 and Ariel would have been 1 1/2.

To say that it was a difficult month for me, seems like an understatement. (Pregnancy brings a lot of emotion in me. And for someone who is naturally emotional anyway, “apparently” I was a lot to handle for my husband. =P ) Our stand on the month we had with these two children…was to have an affect. Brendan was little…so we just have to dote and love on him. Lexy was my challenge. Eric and I agreed that we would expect the same from her as we did our own children. Talk about a struggle! But God gave us many opportunities to teach her what a stable family was like. Consistent. Filled with grace and love. And bathed in prayer. By the end of week one she was praying over our meals on her own. (There is nothing like a child’s prayer. Untainted with disappointment. Just belief and expectation. They are such an amazing testimony of how we should approach Christ. I am incredibly thankful to have so many children in my life in that I can learn from!)

We continued on with life as normal. It was July…and that is my husband’s family’s annual camping trip. So…the six of us went. Never have I counted heads so many times. It was not at all relaxing. (Which is a myth about camping anyway…if you are a TENT camper with children. Not much about camping is too ‘relaxing’ when you wake up in puddles.) Funny thing is, out of the 12 or so Knapp Family Campouts that I have been to this was not the one that I did the most crying at. Haha! (That one was yet to come with pregnancy number 7!) For one month God let us affect these two children with love. For one month we cared for them as our own. And as quickly as we acquired them…they were gone…not to be seen again. Would those days leave lasting affects on a 5 year old? I can only pray they did.

Our due date this time was December 1st. I don’t expect you to remember this, but my daughter was born on that date. She was due on the 5th and came 4 days early. God chooses the day of birth for each baby. So when they end of this pregnancy was coming to an end, I was hopeful for another early baby. I figured this baby would come more like a week or so early. My husband and I were preparing for that. If you are a hunter at all…you know that to have a baby due in the first week in December…in Pennsylvania…means that you might quote, “Mess up the first day of hunting.” I am not sure if you would consider your child being born…”messing up your precious hunting time”…(Ha-ha!)…but if you understand that statement…you and my husband would get along beautifully. Lol! I had a list of phone numbers…and an order in which to call them if I thought I was in labor. The last number being my mother-in-law who would then physically drive to the woods and track my husband down to bring him home to me.

The plan was well thought out…and never utilized. (Much to my disappointment.) I did not wish to ruin his hunting tradition…but I was anxious to hold my baby. For the last two weeks or so of my pregnancy…I had to remove myself from our church’s worship team. I was literally bitter that my child was not coming early. I was a huge grump about it. (Ridiculous I KNOW!) I grew more and more angry each day. December 1st came…and went. The 2nd came…and went. I can keep going. Because this happened until December 5th rolled around.

Again…let me set the scene for you. I want you to picture the peaceful scene God had prepared for me. It was late evening. My children were both in bed. My husband even was in bed and sleeping before me. So I decided to take this time to watch a holiday movie. (Eric hates them…and I love them!) Elf was my movie of choice. We had a pellet stove in our cozy little living room. It was the type that shows the flame in the front. So I was sitting next to a warm, flickering, relaxing flame. The hum of the stove was the only noise in the house. Not too long after I settled in to watch my movie I realized I was having contractions. My fear (as with any mother about to deliver) was that I would get to the hospital and they would send me home saying I was not having real contractions. So I waited for a while. Watched my movie breathing through the contractions. Watching the clock. And not waking up my husband.

Soon they were getting more painful and intense. I decided I would like to be freshly showered when I went to the hospital. So I took a long hot shower to help relax me. When I was done I came back to Elf and kept watching. I am fairly sure that I finished it…but I don’t remember for sure. (I was a bit preoccupied. ;) )Pretty soon the contractions were 6 minutes apart so I went to wake up my husband. I expected for him to be excited. Instead he was so mad. Not because I woke him…but because I didn’t. We still had a long process and drive to get everyone to where they needed to go. His nervousness…started to make me nervous.

He called his parents and we got everyone loaded as quickly as we could. As we drove to their house, the pain was becoming more and more intense. When we reached my in-laws house…he told me to stay put while he got the kids out. His brother and mother and father were all up (now in the middle of the night) to help get the kids in. Eric went to get the kids bags and didn’t know which one was mine and the baby’s…and which one stayed with the kids. I did not want to be stuck wearing hospital gowns and using hospital body wash/shampoo all-in-one (there is not a formula that does both of those effectively and well)…so I got out to get the right bag. His brother was freaked out! He was yelling at me to get in the car because I was having a baby and in pain. I assured him I was not having a contraction at that exact moment. His concern was sweet. His yelling at the about to deliver prego woman…questionable. Lol!

As were were on our way to the hospital…which is about an hour drive…I began to not be able to talk any longer when I was experiencing a contraction. We were just outside of our town at this point…and my husband was freaking out a bit. (Whoops!) He was so nervous that we were going to have this baby in our car. Which at this point was an Ford Escape…and very uncomfortable to have contractions in. Having a baby would have been impossible!

We arrived at the hospital around 1am. I am not one to show when I am in pain. I don’t scream or show much indication. So the nurse is calmly asking me questions…and my husband is having to answer for me when sees that I can’t. She did not act like she noticed at first. Every once in a while she would look at me breathing…and see him answer. I honestly think she thought that I was being dramatic a bit and only in the early stages of labor. Because she was still asking questions when my doctor got there and decided she would like to check me. I was 8cm! The nurse was completely shocked. She had no idea how intense it was because I was just concentrating on relaxing and breathing.

Titus Wesley, 8 lbs 2 oz was born at 1:40am on December 6th 2008. The pictures I took of me and him the night of the 6th…are my favorite pictures of me, of all time. Funny huh? When Eric called to tell his parents that we had a healthy baby boy…they couldn’t believe that he came that quickly. I gotta say…laboring at home was much better than sitting in a hospital bed for hours waiting. I had done that already. I prefer my peaceful house, flickering flame, and watching Elf!

A little while after giving birth, my midwife came over and kissed my forehead. She said, “Okay that was easy…let’s do that 3 more times.” I was unsure of whether that was a prophetic word…or just a silly comment. Haha! Eric always did want 6 children…and I always wanted 4. Only time will tell. Only God will instruct. If only we will listen. =)

Now keep in mind, Titus was born very early in the morning on December 6th. When we woke up on December 7th in the hospital we were itching to get home. My husband’s grandfather was celebrating his 80th birthday. He is not much into people fussing over him…so the fact that so many people were coming to show their love for him, was huge. I did not want to have to miss it. We were asking the nurses and doctors all day when we could go home. We finally got the discharge papers…and out we went. We dropped our older two children off at a friends house and went to the party.

His grandpa’s face was priceless. He just shook his head in amazement that we showed up…with our newborn! The party was almost over…but our appearance there was all that mattered. I told him it isn’t like we could come to the next 80th birthday party he had. Haha!

My husband and I believe that there is a lot to a child’s name. The name Titus means defender. He is tough like he refused to be aborted. ;) I love that!

Another chapter in my story. Another life to care for. Another life to teach how to be effective for Christ. Another miracle from my Maker. Another son to love. Another defender for the Kingdom of God. The world needs some Tituses right now don’t they? We have one in the making. =)

What kind of warriors are you raising? What example are you setting for those God has entrusted you with? What kind of love are you teaching them to extend? What type of worship are you inviting them to have with you? What type of praise do they hear come from your lips? What type of situation has to happen to get you to pray as a family? Hopefully none. I pray it is a relationship that never stops. Never waivers. Never doubts. Never gives up. It is never too late. Begin showing a real relationship to your children. Don’t let the enemy have another wasted second of just being busy. Your children (and/or children in your life around you)…are looking up to you. Give them something worthy of imitation!

My Journey Through 7 Pregnancies-Part five

If you have been a faithful follower of my blog, and you know me at all, you know that I have four living children. The title of these posts about my pregnancies lets you know that I have seven of them. I have told you about two of my children being born healthy...and two of my children entering the Kingdom of Heaven. So, we must press on. This pregnancy is one more link to who I am today. I would not have chosen my path, but I allowed God to use it to make me stronger.

Two tragic losses. Then two healthy babies. When my husband and I found out we were pregnant again, we were so excited. As a little added bonus...my best friend was also pregnant. She was expecting her second baby boy. She was one of the only people that knew we were expecting. Again we weren't telling too many people...just in case. But we figured we were in the clear. We had dealt with out losses. We were through that portion of our lives. Now, we could enjoy having children. Right?

Uh, not so much. We were progressing in the pregnancy and we began to have some complications. Then one night while we were at a friends' house, just as with my first two pregnancies the complications got much worse. I immediately burst into tears in their bathroom. Trying to figure out how I could compose myself enough to go tell Eric what was going on. I did not even give our God...Healer...a chance. I was already assuming it was over. I came out of the bathroom after what seemed like an hour...to find that my husband had left. He and our friend, Al had gone somewhere for a little bit. It was evident by my tear stained face that I was on the verge of losing it.

My friend Chris took me into another room as I explained what was going on. She prayed for me...and I doubted. When Eric got back...they all prayed for me...and I doubted. We started on our way to the ER. Silence. I could do nothing but weep silently. There were no words for the disappointment I was feeling. I was already preparing for how I was going to overcome another death of another baby I had already learned to love.

You see it isn't at first sight that a mother and father learn to love. It is the positive test. It is the first appointment. It is the first sight of a tiny beating heart. It is the blurry blob of a black and white sonogram picture. I had all of those. I had proof that my baby had been living. And now I was about to have another sonogram to find out what I already knew. No heartbeat.

The doctor who had been very hurried and uncompassionate up until this point...now came in with a face drenched in solemness and sorrow. He gave us the bad news...and sent us on our way. He said he had spoken with my doctor and she said that there was no need to come in again unless my condition worsened. Even those words stung my already hurting heart. We drove home, again in silence.

Later, once we were home with our children my phone rang. It was a friend of a friend telling me to call the hospital because my prego best friend was there. She was not due to have her baby for weeks...so I called not knowing what to expect. She answered and told me that her son had indeed been born that night. He was tiny, but doing fairly well. He was in the NICU and would need to spend some time in the hospital. We talked about what all had happened to her that night...and then she asked what I found out at the ER. My heart just sank. Here she is on cloud nine because her son has just been born...and now I have to tell her that mine is gone. It was really hard on both of us. What could we say?!

Over the next few days my condition worsened. One day as I was in tears on my couch...my sweet little son came over to console me. He did all he knew how to do to help. He prayed that God would make our baby all better. As soon as he was finished...he instantly believed it would happen. I doubted.
Even after all of the prayers that were lifted up on behalf of that baby...I never believed. Remember that innocent happiness that had been stolen after my second miscarriage? I was being held in a place where I couldn't even trust the God that I so dearly loved. The God that I praised because he had given me two living children when I had only been promised one. The God that I was claiming to serve on a daily basis. The God who was faithful to me, ALWAYS!

I thought I had been healed of the emotions and anger from my first two miscarriages. Now that I was faced with yet a third disappointment...they all came back. I was very angry. I was embarrassed at my lack of belief. I was upset that I had to face people who had prayed for me and tell them the news. I was mad that I had to deal with another heartache of a child lost. I was in shock that God had chosen the day of my son's death to be the day of my best friend's son's birth. I was right where the enemy wanted me. Struck down.

But I thank God He promises that I will not be destroyed. He promises that He will use everything for the good of those who love Him. And I love Him. I know I didn't show it...but He knows it. He has seen every day of my life, and He has seen my heart. He knew that that pregnancy would cause me to be struck down. And He knew that my husband and I would not let it destroy us. And He knew that that pregnancy would be the healing, once and for all, of all the hurt. All the pain. All the disbelief. All the distrust. All the unforgiveness from each of my miscarriages. Finally, I could experience grief...and really get through it.

I had been feeling guilty for a while about the fact that I was still hurting. It seemed as if my grief became a part of almost every conversation I had. I could relate so many conversations to what I was going through. I felt as though people were annoyed with hearing about it. (Which is a lie from the deceiver...but I bought it for long enough!) One day I was a women's bible study and God finally showed me. The thing that was still bothering me was the timing. I was still frustrated about the timing. He said to me..."The day that Angie's son entered the world, that was the day that yours entered Heaven!" Finally...it was as if the weight had been lifted. I didn't want to think of death when she was celebrating life.

So you see. God had a plan. He knew. Even though I felt as though I failed Him, He was still faithful to me. I trust Him. I have a greater knowledge of Him as Healer. I have a better appreciation of His blessings to me. I have a bigger voice for His provision. And I have a increased passion for reaching out to women who have gone through this kind of painful loss...and need a little encouragement from someone who has been there.

I am here for you. Disappointed one. Barron one. Angered one. Doubtful one. I have felt. And I am victorious through Jesus Christ! You can be too. Start by being real before God. Tell him how hurt and broken you feel. Let Him heal you and make you stronger. You may be the link to someone else's healing and restoration...but that means first you must be strengthened. Don't believe the lies of the enemy. Focus on the truths of the Father!

He.
Will.
Not.
Disappoint.
You!

My Journey Through 7 Pregnancies-Part Four

It has been a while since I have written about my pregnancies. And I feel God telling me it is time again. So here I am. Tired. Not wanting to be awake. But happy to be writing. =)

After the birth of my son Aiden, I had no idea if I would have more children. God had sent a promise to me that I would carry a child to full term. A child. Meaning one. But in my heart...I knew that I wanted more than one. And I was hopeful that God would meet the desires of my heart. I also knew that I would be incredibly thankful for the one He had already given me!

So, when Aiden was around 9 months old, we decided to try again. We conceived right away. That was never the issue...it was staying pregnant that we had problems with. We were a little timid to fall head over heels in love with this child. Hesitant to tell anyone. I wanted to tell everyone I saw...but I had to respect my husband's wishes to wait until I was farther along.

As time went on, Aiden eventually began to walk. That is the point in which we decided we had made a mistake. Haha! We couldn't keep up with him...and couldn't imagine having a newborn with a busy 1-1/2 year old. Too late...I KNOW! =O

So my pregnancy progressed well. During this time, I begged Eric (for months) to choose baby names. I was not successful. I had to find a new doctor for this baby because my lovely, Christian, prayer-filled doctor had taken her family and moved to Arizona. =( I lived closer to Titusville at this point...so I decided we would try the closest hospital to our location. I went through the labor process fairly quickly with my first child, and baby #2 was due on December 5th. If you live in Northwestern Pennsylvania you will know why it is a bit scary to be due in the winter and have to drive. S-N-O-W! If you don't live in the "snow-belt" like I do...LUCKY! Haha. I would never choose to live here if I didn't love my family so much. (xoxo)

I had another wonderful pregnancy. I had made it past the dreaded 16 week date. I had gotten the same mixed reactions about us having another baby. I was going to my last 'weekly' appointment before my daughter's due date. It was lovely outside. So beautiful for the first of December. We were on the way to our doctor's office and we decided that we should take our hospital bags that we had packed and stop at our old house to get the infant carseat (thank you God!). I stood up to get out of the car...and my water broke. If you have never experienced it and always wished you had...you missed nothing. Haha! It was a disgusting feeling...and I am so glad I wasn't around anyone else when it  happened.

So now instead of the doctor's office...we were on our way to the hospital. As we were driving, I finally had Eric alone and since I would be sure to deliever a child in the next 24 hours, I figured he would HAVE to help me choose our final names for this baby. (This is a common trend you will notice through the rest of my pregnancies. Very frustrating!) He pulled out a boy's name that wasn't even on my preferred list...and I LOVED it! We also finally had a first AND middle name for a girl. (Again with this pregnancy...we didn't find out what we were having. LOVE IT!)

As we were walking into the hospital I suddenly became very embarrassed of my jeans that were SOAKED at this point. Every step made the issue worse. I told my husband that I needed his lined flannel coat to wrap around me so that I wouldn't be so embarrassed. He gave it up with a bit of hesitation. When we were packing up to come back home a few days later...he instructed me to leave it there in the trash because he would never wear it again after it had 'womb juice' on it. Haha! He still doesn't let me forget this was his favorite coat. STILL! I did convince my mom to buy him a replacement this past Christmas. It was only a 4 year turnover. Good things come to those who wait. Lol!!

I got to my room and they checked to 'be sure' it was my water that broke. As if I could pee myself...and continue to pee everytime I walked and not know. Seriously...there was sooo much of it. Gross! It WAS my water...and so in bed I sat. Waiting. Feeling totally fine. Waiting for something to happen.

Finally my contractions started. They weren't too bad until about 8pm. I remember the time well because we had been watching tv since we got there. TBS was our channel of choice and all afternoon and evening we had been seeing commercials for School of Rock which was on that night at...you guessed it...8pm. Eric made several remarks about how he had been wanting to see it. I was quietly and calmly breathing through my contractions when it finally came on. The music that starts the show...was not at all helpful to calm me. He took one look at me...put his head down as if disappointed...and turned the tv off. Haha! Poor him huh? I'm about to push out a baby...and he missed his movie. *rolling eyes here* Lol! (To make it worse....he spent the first night with me in the hospital. The next night he took our son home and slept there with him. That Saturday night I was alone in the hospital with a sleeping newborn...so what was I to do? If you ever watch movies on TBS you know that they usually feature the same movie all weekend. So what was on at 8pm that Saturday night? SCHOOL OF ROCK...baby! I watched it alone. Bahahaha! Another thing he will never let me forget.)

About an hour later she was here. Ariel Alexis was born on December 1st 2006. She was 6 pounds 12 ounces. Just a peanut! My firstborn was just two ounces shy of being 2 full pounds heavier. I was so very incredibly happy to have my daughter. I had had her first name picked out since I was a little girl. I would have been so disappointed if my husband would not have agreed.

She grows more beautiful each passing day. Her personality is one that makes me smile, cry, roll my eyes, laugh, and continue to love. I wouldn't change one single thing about my beautiful baby girl! I just love the heck out of her. =) And to make things even better, her and I were having a conversation about Heaven the other day. I was praying for a family who had just lost their baby to a tragic accident. She asked if that baby was in Heaven. I said ABSOLUTELY! Next she asked how she could know that she was going to be there too. I explained it...we prayed...and she was filled with joy. Almost as much as I was. =D

God heard my cries. He heard my pleas to have another baby. He loved me sooo much..that he gave me my daughter. I am forever grateful for His faithfulness. I am forever grateful for His perfect plan for my life. I am forever grateful for His provision. I am forever grateful for His perfect love for me and my beautiful family. I believed...and He showed up...and showed off. =)

My Journey Through 7 Pregnancies-Part Three

It is now the year 2004. We were still a bit scared to try to have a baby, but we decided maybe it was time. Afterall, it had been over 2 years since our night in the Emergency Room. I had made it through the first year successfully without any cancerous tumor forming. I made it through the next, with days of sadness and anger. Finally, we were semi-trying to have another baby. Still very cautious. Still very doubtful that it would happen. But, that promise gave us hope.

A few months went by. Then a few more. No positive tests. When had gone from conceiving quickly, to not able. Each month marked another disappointment. Each month just a bit more bitter. We soon found out that my husband's grandmother was not given much more time to live. Our lives got put on hold. The thoughts of having a baby were now not constantly on our minds. Our energy was focused on being there to see her. Being there to surround her with family.

One day my husband got a call from his mother. If wanted to talk to her...we had better come quickly. We all sat on her floor, surrounding her bed...waiting to hear each word that she spoke. Some of them didn't make much sense. Some of them made us cry. But there were two that I will not forget. She awoke and just like every other time she woke...we asked if she wanted us to get her anything. At this point, she wasn't eating or drinking anything. So her response was always 'No'. This one time however, she said yes. We waited, wanting to do anything we could for her. When we asked what she wanted. She responded..."More grandchildren."

We all just kind of laughed. It was just like her. She was waiting for more great-grandchildren. Then she said that someone in the room was pregnant. We all laughed again, pointing the finger to everyone else. No one fessed up to it. But she insisted.

A few days later was her funeral. My mother-in-law was the rock that everyone leaned on at the passing of her mother. God gave her a super-natural strength that day. That night my husband and I were walking through the store and all of a sudden he got a very thoughtful, puzzled look on his face. I asked him what was wrong..and he said.."You are late." I have heard those words so many times in our years together. (I am a late person by nature. And he...is ALWAYS early!) But this time, they were packed with a whole new meaning. I knew exactly what he meant. I had no idea. Who had time to think about such things when faced with such tragedy. And just then...the evening after his grandmother's funeral...we found out it was us she was talking about. We were going to have another baby.

What now? How long do we wait to tell people? We have been there..done that...and been burned. Twice. How long do we wait to fall in love again?

We stood on the side of caution this time. Not going crazy with the amount of people we told. Asking immediate family (and maybe a best friend) to pray! Pray that this would be the child we had been promised. Pray that this pregnancy would be smooth and without complication. And that is exactly what God did.

Aiden Damon Knapp was born on May 7th, 2005. He was perfect. He was healthy. He was ours! God was faithful. God was with us. God gave him to us at the exact time that we would be blessed beyond our imagination. God gave me my son the day before Mother's Day. God brought friends into our lives because of the timing of that pregnancy. God led us to a church when we were desperately searching, because of the timing of that pregnancy. God had a plan....and I am so in love with it!

When you doubt His hand...it just doesn't make sense. HE is all-knowing. HE is all-powerful. HE is omni-present. HE is beginning. HE is end. And....HE is all that lies within. Trust His precious hand. Trust His pure heart. Trust His eternal, always best for you, plan for your life. It is worth it...always!!

My Journey through 7 Pregnancies-Part 2

I have been slightly hesitating to write this post...because this is probably the hardest in my journey. I am unsure of how this will be received, but please know that I am not looking for attention. I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking to do the will and the works of my Father. I am looking to help in any way...in the healing and restoration of a wounded heart.

I told you about my first miscarriage in 2001. Now we are onto pregnancy number two. We were not told to wait to conceive again, so we decided to try again quickly after our loss. It took no time at all until that pregnancy test read positive again. Again...we called the doctor right away. Tests were done to confirm. Appointments were made. Sonograms scheduled. We were slightly hesitant to fall head over heals again. As I said before, our innocence that all would be well with pregnancies, was tainted. We had been hurt. We had looked upon with sorrow. We had been shattered. Now this was our chance to gain some hope.

The first sonogram went well. The blessed heartbeat. It was there, visable to our eyes. The little gray blob that was our baby...we had proof. Some relief swept over us. We started to tell some family. As more time passed, we began to spread the news more and more. We began to have more hope, more excitement...and to fall more in love with this baby God had blessed us with.

One day, at 16weeks of pregnacy...our fear came true. Complications. We rushed to the doctor, who sent us right to the hospital to have a sonogram. They were very busy that day. But they fit us in. The sonogram technician was sweet. She did the test, and quietly left the room. Soon, we were taken to a room and my doctor came to see what the sonogram technician had seen. Again, not much was spoken. I returned to my clothes, and waited alone...but with my husband. Our wonderful, born-again doctor entered to tell us her news. They could find no heartbeat. Innocence stolen! When measuring the baby, it measured only 11 weeks. For almost 5 weeks, the baby had ceased to live and grow. I was supposed to be 'past' that time of worry. The first trimester was over...or so I thought. As you can imagine...I burst into tears. My husband stayed strong. Not letting much emotion take over him. Just purely concerned about his broken wife.

At this time I worked in the hospital I was now sitting in. I was told that I would have to have a D & C procedure done. Inside, I was dreading this! It made it all final. I was going to be exposed to the people that I worked with daily. I was going to have to go through many more sorrowful looks...and awkward silences. "God, if this was the fate of my baby...why did it have to last this long? Now, I have a whole other awkwardness that I must face. Isn't there another way?" Those are the words that ran through my head.

So, we tried our best to resume our life as normal until the procedure was to happen. We had planned to have company over for a Christmas dinner that night. We ate. We exchanged gifts. We tried to put on the face that we weren't completely shattered. While the guys went outside for a few minutes...I started to realize that something was going very wrong. I was having major cramping in my stomach. (Having never felt these before...I had no idea what was going on.) I felt some major pressure...and knew that if I stood up...some sort of fluid was going to rush out. (Sorry about the details. But it is all part of the process.)

It didn't feel like I was about to pee myself...but I was scared about what was happening. This was not part of the plan. As I ran to the bathroom...there it all was. Clear fluid. I changed my clothes and went back out to the living room. In walked more company...and soon the feeling came back. I sat very uncomfortably...not wanting to get up while they were there. Not wanting to ask them to leave. They must have sensed my discomfort...and left shortly after they had arrived. I told Eric what was happening...and I ran to the bathroom again. This time...it was not clear. Deep red surrounded me. I had no control over it. Just as suddenly as it had begun...it stopped. In my heart I knew what had made it stop. I knew that it must be removed...and I could not bring myself to do it.

Now, on the phone with my doctor, we explained what had happened. Then she said what I knew she would. I had to know what caused it to stop. The next moments in my life...I thought would haunt me forever. I was now holding a tiny baby in my hand. Tears errupted as I told my doctor what I had found. A lifeless body. A body that fit in the palm of my hand. Who's arms and legs were like spaghetti. She expressed her sorrow. She prayed. And she told me to bring myself and my baby to the ER right away. What now? What should I put baby in? I couldn't hold it. I didn't want anyone else to see it.

I arrived at the hostpital and went through more traumatic events. Finally, after a modified surgercial procedure, a very painful IV, and much cleaning up...I found myself shaking beyond normal. I was freezing, and couldn't stop involuntarily shaking. The doctor said that my body was going through shock from all that had just happened, and the amount of blood that I had lost. I soon found myself in a new hospital room, with my husband by my side. Waiting to do or get whatever I needed. Everytime I woke up, he was there asking if I needed anything. He was my rock. He was my comfort. Still strong.

The next few months were awful. So many people had to be told. So many uncomfortable moments that I wanted to be over. My husband who was strong for me when I needed it...eventually broke down. It was God's timing that I was in a place that I could be his strength. I could help him through his anger for another baby lost.

The events of that night haunted me until...someone shed God's light on it. I told her about seeing my baby...and how much I wanted to forget it. Her response..."That is awesome! God allowed you to hold your baby boy!" Isaiah Ethan was his name, born December 20th, 2001. And I no longer have to see him through tears of regret.

Our next pregnancy would come YEARS later. We had to wait one year to try to conceive again because of the type of miscarriage I had experienced. There was a chance that a cancerous tumor would form in either my lungs or brain. And for a year I had to get blood tests done to make sure I was not cancerous. The test, was the same test they do to check for pregnancy. More awkward conversations. As each time, a different person thought that I was checking for pregnancy. They were hopeful...and I was still hurting.

So many thoughts went through my head. Was this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why did God allow a baby to be taken away from the only two people that had already learned to love him? But what I will never forget was God's promise to me! It came from the voice of a friend. And it was the number one thing that brought me through the next few years of my life. "God told me that you will have a baby. That you will carry it through to full-term."

Relief. Now, I know it will happen. I just have to wait for the right time. God was with me. God took care of me. God was watching over my two babies, in my place. What more could I ask for them?

God is good. I don't want anyone to doubt that! I have proof that God fulfilled His promise to me. I have stories to tell. And I have prayers that I long to write for women that are in a place of sorrow right now. Don't blame the only One that longs to heal your shattered heart. He is ready and waiting for you to call on Him. He never meant for you to try to handle it on your own. He loves you...and He will make you whole again. He will take what the enemy meant for evil...and He will restore it to work into His purpose for your life. Promise!

My Journey Through 7 Pregnancies-Part One

Okay...so this is post one of...I am not sure how many. How is that for details? Haha! I know that God wants me to share these stories...but I am wordy. (Shocker!) And I am not sure anyone can handle that many words in just one day. So, keep coming back if you are touched by it. If you know someone else who has gone through similar pain...and they are struggling...send them this way. I have them in mind while I am writing this. God longs for healing. God longs for restored dreams. God longs for you all to find Him forever faithful. God longs for peace in your circumstance.

So, here goes....
Just a few short months after my husband and I eloped on April 18th, 2001 (Yes...our 10th anniversary is TODAY)...we decided to try to have a baby. We conceived very quickly after making our decision. As soon as the positive test came back...we called our doctor. Her secretary said a postive test is always a positive...so we started to share our news. Some of the reactions of our friends and family were priceless. Jumping up and down and screaming. Some...not so much. =/

If my memory is correct...we found out in the beginning of the week that I was pregnant...and by the end I had miscarried. It was too short of a time span to have any testing done to try to figure out the why. And they don't do much until you have lost 3 babies. =( For those people that have never experienced a loss like this...you are blessed. What you may not understand is that from the moment we found out we were going to have a baby...we had already gotten excited. When the life was gone...it felt as though God 'took' the baby from the only two people that had already learned to love him/her. You don't have to understand it...but believe it. Love is instant when it comes to your child. It doesn't take nine months. It takes two little pink lines on a pregnancy test.

Crushed. I was absolutely crushed. So many emotions. All of those people I had told of our good news...and news like that travels FAST...now I had to tell them otherwise. I hated every second of that. I was shocked at how many insensitive people didn't understand that I was a mother in grief. They didn't see me as a mother because I had never held my baby. I think that most people just assume that when they get pregnant...everything will just be fine. Well...that innocent thought pattern was tainted for me. I knew otherwise...and I was about to let it rule me.

So that is part one in my journey. It has to get much worse to get better. I don't even agree with myself in how I used to feel towards my losses. It is just the honesty of what I was dealing with. You see, God knew that I would be able to reach out to people through my writing. He knew that He could use me to aid in the healing of others. So I know that I went through a lot of pain...to show that He is victorious. If this post touches you because of a disappointment you have faced...or are facing...I would love to pray for you. It doesn't have to be about children. Our innocence can be tainted by circumstance in anything. Bitterness and anger can set in. Those are not of God...and they need to be put aside. For we are new creations in Christ. He died for our healing. Take advantage of His suffering for your situation. He did it for YOU my dear friend!

Comment below or give me your email address...and I would love to be a link to your process.